Name change?

Go figure. Just when we launch our blog publicly, "Al-Davisan" must undergo a name change...well, in about five more months. You see, Al-Davisan is the dual form in Arabic. This has suited us for five and a half years, but come September 18th (or thereabouts) we will grow from two to three! Yep, we're pregnant!

This pregnancy came as quite a surprise to both of us. In December, I had diagnostic surgery to check for endometriosis and, in hopes of finding closure before proceeding with adoption, any reasons for our difficulty conceiving. The doctors discovered a nearly blocked fallopian tube, misshapen uterus, and a lack of ovulation. The verse that came to mind with these results was Psalm 139:14, "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are your works, and my soul knows it very well." None of these findings were a surprise to God, and we felt strangely at peace with the news. I also thought about myself like the clay jars described in 2 Corinthians 4:7, "But we have this treasure (Jesus, the gospel of God) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." God has always sought and demanded the limelight, the glory, the credit for His work. How much easier it is for us to see His power when the vessel is, well, a bit messed up and less-than-ideal. When God is chastising Abraham for Sarah laughing at the news that she will have a son, He asks, "Is anything too hard for the LORD?" Balancing hope with a longing for parenthood became tricky for us. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 119:116 "Sustain me according to Your word, that I may live; And do not let me be ashamed of my hope." While we knew God is able and we maintained hope that someday He would create a life inside of me, we started 2010 ready to actively pursue the adoption process, excited to become parents in whichever way God chose for us. Then, on January 13th, our hope found footing and sight in this little one.

This month-long synopsis does little to show the ups and downs of my hope, my willingness to truly surrender, and my faith in God's faithfulness to us over the last 5 years. In April 2005, we told God that we were surrendered to His plan for us concerning children--when and how many. Initially, it was terrifying to think God might choose for us to have ten kids...and to start our family so soon after marrying (08/04). Yet we had such confidence in God's desire to give us His very best as well as His surpassing knowledge of just what that would be. Within just a few months, our fears turned to an eagerness for kids and the longing began. Occasionally, I would encounter verses that would fill me with hope--with an awareness that God likes to make sure HIS power is noticed by all rather than man getting the credit. Waiting felt like part of His plan, and I'd wait contentedly. And then my contentment and trust in God turned to anger. In January 2007, I became mad at God for not giving me what I felt I deserved. My sisters had each had one baby, and now my dear friend was pregnant. I felt left out of something rightfully mine. So I started running. In my messed up thinking, I figured if I weren't going to be uncomfortably "fat" as a pregnant woman, then I was going to turn my body into a smoking hot, lean-mean-running-machine. I have never been so disciplined and determined. Eight, ten miles was nothing. First 10K race earned me second place and a beautiful umbrella (what can I say--it was Korea). That winter (Dec 2007), God gave us our greatest glimpse of hope--along with our deepest sorrow. We got pregnant for the first time and, only two weeks later, discovered we'd miscarried. It was as if God was saying, "Don't fret about your ability to conceive. It's just not time yet."

So what did I do with my "reclaimed" freedom? I joined Kyle for a year of intense language study in California. Had I stayed pregnant and given birth to our baby, I wouldn't have been able to take class alongside him. Our life in the Middle East would look much different, as I'd likely feel more fearful to venture outside the safety of Kyle's language skills. And yet, I continued to get bitter at God's choice for us. Especially when sisters and friends and acquaintances shared news of their pregnancies. I told my spiritual mentor, Michael, that I hoped God wouldn't give us a child in April. Three folks were pregnant and I didn't feel joy for any of them. Her response revealed the nature of our God: "Susan, this is the precise month God would delight to give you a child, simply to reveal His grace to you!" So, it seems for me that surrendering to ten children was far easier than surrendering to none. But what we were really surrendering was our own will in favor of God's. It happened to be "pregnancy" that God used to ask us where our hearts were: in our hands or His. And, over the course of 5 1/2 years, it was a mixture of fear and longing and anger and hope and despair that kept our eyes fixed on Him.

I have felt guilty many times over the past four (plus) months for my negative thoughts about pregnancy. It's tough. It feels crappy a lot of the time, and I started to favor the idea of adoption over carrying my own. These were the thoughts I vowed to never have if God gifted us with a baby. I'd cringe when pregnant women complained of nausea or back pain or heartburn. Didn't they know how blessed they were to have the chance to carry their own flesh & blood, to see what they and their husbands looked like together? I've developed new sympathy for these very women, and I'm relearning how to surrender to God's choices for me. I trust that He is choosing the best for us, and this is truly a miracle.

So, when we return to the states this summer, I'll be great with child and Kyle will have only a few weeks to settle into grad school before our world is forever changed. Oh, and as for that name change, the plural form of our name would definitely be irregular, as are the majority of plurals in Arabic. I'm guessing Al-Due-a-vis or maybe Al-Ah-dee-vas? No doubt this baby will rock more than the name of our blog!